I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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