I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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