I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
