She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
