your thong is hanging out like whoa
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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