why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
