When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
