just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
