I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
