i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
