party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
