a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
