i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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