i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
