I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
