There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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