I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
