You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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