If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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