i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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