roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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