My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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