I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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