yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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