Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
