I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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