ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
