Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
