my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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