He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
