I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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