she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize