You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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