So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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