her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
