i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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