Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
