I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
