I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
