mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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