I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
