somebody snuck up and got me drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
