Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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