Your dad touched me again.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i came on her dog
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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