Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
