My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
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He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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