We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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