I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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