She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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