I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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