i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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