Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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