today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
