My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
