I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
