vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
