When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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