the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
