You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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