Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You may now shotgun with the bride
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
