You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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