im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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