In the future we'll all be gay
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
