I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
